I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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