i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
