I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
