so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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