In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
