It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
false alarm, still single
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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