Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
