I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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