your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.