Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
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she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
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Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.