I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
