i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
