I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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