I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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