no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
