Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
