i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Randomize
