I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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