Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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