my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
The adults are the big ones right?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
