Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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