I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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