So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Randomize
