So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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