toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
