Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Well I just put wine in my tea
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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