Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
