Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
