i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
