i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
