So gin and wine won't be happening again
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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