What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
