Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
