Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
