I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
