ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
