It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
