I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
