I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
