Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
