careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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