the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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