apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize