I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Randomize
