The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
