that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I lost the right to judge tonight
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
