i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
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Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
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I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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