I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
