remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
