Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
We were destined to go to rehab together
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
