Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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