I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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