why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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