did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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