Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
