Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
